Guaranteed to Make You Laugh

After a week like this was, we all need a laugh. I dare you not to while reading this post.

The following  are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts: Actual Quotes, Word for Word, from Real Court Proceedings by Marcelle Boren. I can’t imagine being the court reporter and trying to keep it together while these exchanges were actually taking place. I’d have been rolling in the floor.

ATTORNEY:  This myasthenia  gravis,  does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what  ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You  forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t  know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the  bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The  youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s twenty,  much like your  IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you  present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date  of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And  what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting  laid.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had  three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were  boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your  Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new  attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How  was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by  whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a  guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the circus was in town I’m going with  male.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie  there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how  many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of  them. The live ones put up too much of a  fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your  responses MUST be oral, okay? What school did you go to?
WITNESS:  Oral.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you  recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started  around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS:  If not, he was by the time I  finished.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you  check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood  pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for  breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the  patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my  desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been  alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been  alive and practicing law.

Have a fun weekend.

3 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by Connie Neumann on March 20, 2020 at 11:24 pm

    I’m in tears, laughing so hard! Thanks for the break, Teresa! BTW, my mother laughed the hardest at the first one – she has had myasthenia gravis for two and a half years. 🙂

    Reply

  2. Posted by Mary Jo Doig on March 24, 2020 at 10:20 pm

    Just caught up with this post, Teresa. Sooo funny. A perfect way to end this day. Thank you!

    Reply

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